In the Valley of Estrangement

I am reading a book called "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again." The subtitle is "The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation." The author is Laura Davis, coauthor of "The Courage to Heal." The book I'm reading now is the first of its kind I have ever seen. Until I was experiencing it myself, in my family, I had no idea what estrangement was about. Newspaper or television news stories about crimes often mentioned estranged husbands or other family members, and that was the extent of my experience with estrangement. In fact, in a February 19, 2024 article by Fern Schumer Chapman in Psychology Today, "Until the last decade or so, the topic of estrangement in families has been grossly unacknowledged and underinvestigated." "As many as one in four people are estranged from at least one family member, yet very little research has been done on this subject." In a December 2, 2024 article called "Ask Amanda: Is Estrangement a Form of Abuse?" by domesticshelters.org, the author wrote, "Estrangement can be a manipulation tactic to control or hurt others, especially when used by abusive family members or partners. It often leads to long-term emotional scars like anxiety and self-doubt." The author recommends the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD., adding that, "It could help clear up some confusion and anger that can come from being raised by an emotionally distant or abusive parent." Sometimes it helps just to have some way to identify what is occurring in challenging emotional situations such as estrangement. I personally know of more than one mother whose sons have not spoken to them for years, and currently I am experiencing estrangement from a sibling, not by my choice. There are always different circumstances that lead up to estrangement, and are probably as varied as the individuals involved, but, as you might guess, in many of the available articles and in Davis's book, philosophical, political and religious differences are named as forces that can drive family members apart. In recent years we have probably all heard of families negotiating topics of conversation at family gatherings, for example to avoid discussing any of these topics. This seems particularly prevalent during the last decade or so. Some political differences began to emerge in my family during the years George W. Bush was president (2001-2009). Later, from about 2015 until my sister's death in 2018, estrangement occurred between my late sister (half-sister) and her brother (my half-brother). They never reconciled. My other brother and I tried to convince both of them to work it out before something should happen to one of them, but with no success. After the death of my sister in 2018, things got mysteriously rocky between my half brother and me and remain so to this day. That is, we do not talk at all now. I sent him a birthday card this month, but he did not acknowledge it. In other words, I am willing to reconcile the relationship, but he is not. My whole nuclear family no longer exists anymore, actually, because my parents have both died, and both of my brothers do not talk to me. It's a rather involved situation involving my invalid mother my brother was taking care of and my late sister and her husband having conflicting views of how to navigate that. Now that both my mother and my sister are gone, it's just my two brothers and me. There were a whole lot of issues with the brother taking care of our mother I will not go into, but now politics has come between my other brother and me. To me, it seems like the easiest thing in the world to be able to talk to people who differ with you about either politics or religion. You either avoid talking about whatever topic causes the friction, or you talk civilly about it. But this seems to be very difficult for some people. Still, I am hopeful regarding that relationship. As for the brother that was taking care of our mother, the situation may or may not ever resolve itself. So, in case anyone reading this is having an estrangement with anyone in your family, at least you can know that you are not alone. Sometimes I have comforted myself by saying the "Lord's Prayer." The words "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" seem particularly helpful. My wonderful pastor always says, "You can only have the relationship with somebody that they want to have." And I find that pretty much explains that whole botched up mess pretty well. It doesn't erase the pain, but God can do that. It is not a quick fix, an instant cure by any means, but it is not an impossible situation either. I will try to find additional approaches that may help as we travel along this path. Meanwhile, goodnight.