'I'm still alive'

I wish I could get rid of my obsession with getting rid of all of my possessions before someone comes and finds me dead. But I keep thinking about what Peggy said. She was in that final place where old people go, when they've told you everything they want you to know. I started out trying to write verse, but I think that will have to wait. It's getting late and I want to watch another movie. And I'll have to tell you later what Peggy said. The words keep floating back and landing in my head. I don't want to tell you now because I want to think it through. My laptop was also acting up and I grew impatient too. Now the time has flown and all I've done all day is watch the news and eat. And go to the gym and ride the bike and slipped on the icy sidewalk. That was fun. I haven't done a bit of reading today, and I don't feel like reading either. I have way too much time on my hands, living alone in the Kansas prairie lands. I think about my ancestors trekking across the plains in their covered wagons, and sometimes I wish I could have been with them instead of this solitary existence like someone left behind. I try to be a disciplined person, but I'm just not. I drove myself crazy this afternoon figuring out what year it was that I was in such and such grades, because I saw a video of 1958. The long and the short of it is I always thought I started kindergarten when I was four, but the years don't work out if I figure it that way, and I'm pretty dyslexic (or something) when it comes to keeping track of numbers anyway. So I got pretty upset trying to figure that out. Did someone lie to me about being four when I started kindergarten? I had copies of two class pictures, third and fifth grade, and that is the best information I have about it. So now I'm puzzled because I could not have started kindergarten when I was four and the numbers work out right. So that's my personal mystery for my life. I mean, you think you know something about yourself and then something like this happens and you can't ask anyone. Oh, well, you know I'm just kind of over everything today. I don't feel like painting, I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like doing anything but watching Kevin Sorbo movies, so that's what I'm going to do. I have not been a complete recluse today. I went to the gym and rode the bike for about 30 minutes, but I totally overate earlier in the day. I don't want to be a complainer, but that's what I feel like I'm being right now, and that is kind of the truth. I miss people who have died, and I feel isolated much of the time. I write because I think I am supposed to. Writing is sometimes cathartic, sometimes therapeutic, but sometimes not. Sometimes it's just a drag, and that's what it's been today. I guess the reason writing has been a drag today is because I failed at making verses work. I felt pressured by time because I wanted to watch another movie. I watched one today that was real uplifting. It was called Christmas Angel (2012) with Kevin Sorbo. I am currently on a Kevin Sorbo kick. I want to watch anything with Kevin Sorbo in it. Not Hercules or any of that stuff, but the more recent stuff, where he usually proposes to a woman and there's usually a troubled kid or two in the film. There are lots of themes in Christian films that make you think. Lots of people with lots of issues and then somehow God brings resolution to the problem or the relationship or something. Encouraging, when you're feeling kind of blah. I'm not saying I've been feeling kind of blah; blah is not the word for it. I don't even feel like going into it. I also hate when people put that "care" emoji on something I post, so I don't want to write anything that will spur someone to do that. All I can say for sure is that I am glad God is with me. I know he has the answers. And most of all I am aware of and feel his presence all the time. I don't have to worry about that. I like it that way. I am his and he is mine,. He's not going anywhere, and I'm not going anywhere. I ran out of ideas of what to do years ago, so I'm just waiting on him now. I don't need to feel guilty for not reading all the books I have piled up in my apartment. I'll get to them or else I won't. If I don't, someone will have to take them to God's Storehouse (thrift shop). I want to spare someone that burden, but I have no idea when I am going to die. I might die after I've gotten rid of a lot more stuff. Who knows? None of us knows when that time will come, just that it will come. I am very thankful for the presence of the Lord. I am very concerned about my family members who are not believers yet, and I really hope and pray they become believers, because I know God's word is true, and I know God wants everybody to be saved. I would like to do even just a little reading tonight before I go to bed, but I might not get to it, and is that so bad? Maybe not. I don't want to get on the topic of politics, because people are just too nasty when it comes to that. I am so depressed about the hatred that politics stirs up in people, but God speaks a whole lot about that in the Bible. That is just the world, so just be glad you're just in it, but not of it. I studied about that in John 17 and wrote about it yesterday. Every day is different. I shouldn't expect every day to be the same, even though I do appreciate a certain rhythm of my days and routine, if you will. Got to have that or I'm a complete spaz. Now there's a word I haven't used for a long time but it's been on my mind today. There are a few things I'm praying for, for myself,and I am hoping to see them fulfilled in the land of the living, but if they're not, I know where I'm going when I die, and in the meantime, I've got Jesus and he's got me. One thing I notice about these "Christian" movies. Everyone seems to be a Christian in them, even the ones acting the part of atheists, etc., before God gets ahold of them. But when they pray, they never pray in Jesus' name. I never noticed that before, but then, I haven't watched that many Christian movies. I don't know who watches them. A lot of them are TV movies, so I assume they've been on Christian TV stations. I haven't had cable for years, so I don't know. When I had cable, I found it to be a tremendous waste of time most of the time, so I'm very grateful for my antenna and my two or three stations I can watch if I want to watch television. I don't know what the deal is with my appetite lately. I have just been wanting to eat, eat, eat all the time. I'm sure the weather has something to do with it. And this crazy cold and snow we've been experiencing has really made me want to eat all the time. I want to paint a snow scene and a friend of mine sent me a picture of her horse running through the snow. But I didn't get in the mood to paint. It's kind of too cold to paint, if that makes any sense. It just seems like during this time of year with this kind of weather, the only thing you really want to do is keep warm. I make all kinds of plans but only get a fraction done of what I want to get done. Mostly it has to do with something creative, like writing, or painting, but with all these snow days (all last week except one day, Thursday, today's Friday) I’ve been pretty chilled—lazy, that is, more likely. My apartment's so leaky that I just can't stand to keep turning the thermostat up. I know my electric bill will double on the February bill; it always does. Today has been just one of those days, when you don't get done what you want to get done but you're just thankful to be alive and well and taken care of by the kind provision of God's providence. I have not been very literary today, just kind of things spurting out all over the place. Della Reese was in the Christmas Angel movie, and it was very touching and moving. I was sad to discover she had died in 2017, about five years after she was in that film. She was a wonderful Christian, and she played a wonderful part in the movie. I think I remember that she had died fairly recently, but could not have told you when. So I looked it up. Oh, I'll tell you what Peggy said. She said, "I'm still alive." It was one day when I went to the nursing home to see her, and I guess she rolled out after I had arrived in the sitting room or whatever, and that's how she greeted me. I just wish she was still alive, that is still alive, here, in this world. I hope she knew Jesus. I know she went to church but I don't know if she knew Jesus or not. I know her sister did, so it has always kind of bothered me not to know for sure, but that is always the case with everybody I meet or know or is a friend or is in my family. The bottom line of what's on my mind is, I pray for everyone I know to get saved and I pray that they don't die before I know that about them, because it's awful not to know. Well, I'm going to close this now. I hope something was somewhat interesting for you. "There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit "Romans 8:1).