Unemployed and feeling guilty (not groovy)
Well, here I am feeling guilty because I'm not driving myself nuts with websites. Seems like there's always some new way for them to frustrate a person, and I'm just not up to it today. Even so, I can't write much today because I feel like I SHOULD be (don't you just love that word?) plunking my resume into all the websites I possibly can so by some cosmic numbers game somebody might call me up.
It doesn't happen that way. I know that. Besides, there seems to be a plot against calling me up for an interview. So why do I drive myself nuts this way? I have some time "between jobs" so why can't I just enjoy it? I believe life is to be enjoyed. I really do. It's hard to enjoy life when you're looking for a job. Do I enjoy life all the time? Absolutely not. I mean, there you go, another one of those paradoxes.
The Bible is full of suffering and the teachers are constantly teaching about suffering, but how you're supposed to have JOY in the midst of it. Actually I am not suffering right now, because I am writing this blog. Isn't that what they always say? Follow your bliss or something like that? Do what you love and the money will follow? OK, I'm doing what I love, where's the money? Here, money, money, money. That's like when I call my ducks so I can get them in a row:
Quack-quack-quack-quack, quack-quack-quack-quack, quack-quack-quack-quack, quack, quack, quack. That's the three-duck pull-toy duck-call, in case you are unfamiliar with it.
Oh, yes, but the Bible says that the person who will not work must not eat. I know that. It's not that I am not willing to work. I've had one job interview, I have another one tomorrow, and I have typing tests at the temporary agency tomorrow too. I have applied for jobs online, which is utterly frustrating, but I've been doing it, and will do some more before I leave the library. Maybe.
It is true that there are people in the job market today who are practicing shameless, blatant and flagrant ageism. They're not supposed to refuse to hire you because of your age, but they can give you a questionnaire where they ask your "age range" or they can require your transcript and clearly see that you got your bachelor's degree in 1968 and pretty well figure out how old you are.
When I was in my terminal year at Southeast Missouri State (that's when they tell you they're not going to renew your contract but you have a year to continue working and look for a job), I started writing for the local paper. A job opening came up, and I did not get an interview, and I think it was because of my age. The editor clearly told me they wanted someone young for the arts and entertainment beat and somebody "seasoned" for the crime beat. Not that they wanted somebody old but someone experienced, which I was not, and I guess he thought I was clearly not cut out for the crime beat.
It was common knowledge that newspaperes preferred to hire people right out of journalism school as long as they were young. I believe (I have to keep saying "I believe" so you won't accuse me of stating opinion as fact) they would not want any aging hippie, professional student-types such as myself. It didn't matter that I was submitting regular features for them and even reported there a whole week, designed the "Faces and Places" page, wrote the front page feature story and did the obituaries--well, maybe they just thought I was a lousy reporter, and maybe I was, but I think that I was OK to submit some articles but they didn't want to hire somebody my age.
Or maybe it was my degrees and experience. That's what people always say. If you have degrees and experience, they always say, you want more money, and they don't want to give you more money. They can get some kid to do it cheaper. That could be it too, of course. But I'm tired of all the explanations. They don't satisfy at all. Instead, I think I'll just turn my eyes away from my insane mental machinations and concentrate on, if I can, what God might be trying to tell me.
I was not fired, I was not run off; I was laid off because of lack of funds. So I shouldn't have to feel guilty. God has something for me to do besides feel guilty. In fact, feeling guilty is not part of his plan for me at all. The Bible says there is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. Don't judge me because I don't feel like looking it up. It's in Romans 8. Oh, Romans 8:1, of course. Everybody knowsthat.
If I have prayed and asked God to lead me, and if I am acknowledging God in all my ways like the Bible says in Proverbs 3:5, then I should be able to enjoy my life every day because it is the day that the Lord has made and I should be able to seek Him and take it easy. In fact, I think that's what I'll do. I think I'll find a way to enjoy this time off, instead of running like a chicken with my head cut off all the time like I usually do when I'm out of work or between jobs or laid off or unemployed. Is it job-search-related to be blogging right now? Yes, as a matter of fact it is. I'm following my bliss, and the money will follow. The just shall live by faith. Isn't that right? But faith won't pay the bills. That's true.
I have a plan. I want to substitute and renew my teaching license and get a teaching job and have summers off. I am a creative person. I need time off. Time to write, time to dream, time to sleep. Yes. Don't all creative people do this? Why not me? I don't know any professional creative people who have worked at straight jobs all their life and only done their creating on the weekends. Most of them just did what they did confidently and eventually it worked for them.
I think the Lord is leading this way. But if I'm wrong, at least I have a plan. Meanwhile, I have an appointment to take typing tests in the morning and an interview in the morning for a very low paying job but still, an interview.
Interviews are always good. They give you good practice. When you're unemployed you should always get as many interviews as you can even if you don't want the job. Practice interviewing is not a waste of time. And in this economy you have to be willing to take whatever you can get. Which I am, of course, always, God knows.
Well, I'm going to go to a couple of websites now before I go home and enjoy a cup of tea with my cat and dog.
I can do all these things: I can speak Spanish, I can teach Spanish. I can type very fast. I can talk on the phone. I can teach child development. I can write. I have even started to do something really fun: standup comedy. I can do just about everything I like to do except what I like to do full time: write. I guess I can't do that because I'm not good enough. Plain and simple. So I need to work while I practice being good enough.
Since newspapers are dying (I lost one writing job because of that) and the local newspaper won't interview me for some reason (I don't know but it could be my age or the fact that I have so many degrees) it looks like writing is going to have to be something I do for free. I missed my chance to be a writer maybe. If I'd have followed my dreams about 50 years ago maybe I could have been a writer. Now I just have to have a job and I hope I find one and maybe I can supplement my income if one of the satellite universities around here will let me teach Psych I. I taught that at the college level.
It's like I told this guy at church a couple of weeks ago. I don't have any more plans. I don't have any more schemes. He said, "Now, maybe now it's time for God's." Yeah, maybe so.
I've got to go. I'm feeling guiltier and guiltier. And it's getting way too deep in here. I'll have to think about this for awhile. Next post: about the charred car. It will be short.
It doesn't happen that way. I know that. Besides, there seems to be a plot against calling me up for an interview. So why do I drive myself nuts this way? I have some time "between jobs" so why can't I just enjoy it? I believe life is to be enjoyed. I really do. It's hard to enjoy life when you're looking for a job. Do I enjoy life all the time? Absolutely not. I mean, there you go, another one of those paradoxes.
The Bible is full of suffering and the teachers are constantly teaching about suffering, but how you're supposed to have JOY in the midst of it. Actually I am not suffering right now, because I am writing this blog. Isn't that what they always say? Follow your bliss or something like that? Do what you love and the money will follow? OK, I'm doing what I love, where's the money? Here, money, money, money. That's like when I call my ducks so I can get them in a row:
Quack-quack-quack-quack, quack-quack-quack-quack, quack-quack-quack-quack, quack, quack, quack. That's the three-duck pull-toy duck-call, in case you are unfamiliar with it.
Oh, yes, but the Bible says that the person who will not work must not eat. I know that. It's not that I am not willing to work. I've had one job interview, I have another one tomorrow, and I have typing tests at the temporary agency tomorrow too. I have applied for jobs online, which is utterly frustrating, but I've been doing it, and will do some more before I leave the library. Maybe.
It is true that there are people in the job market today who are practicing shameless, blatant and flagrant ageism. They're not supposed to refuse to hire you because of your age, but they can give you a questionnaire where they ask your "age range" or they can require your transcript and clearly see that you got your bachelor's degree in 1968 and pretty well figure out how old you are.
When I was in my terminal year at Southeast Missouri State (that's when they tell you they're not going to renew your contract but you have a year to continue working and look for a job), I started writing for the local paper. A job opening came up, and I did not get an interview, and I think it was because of my age. The editor clearly told me they wanted someone young for the arts and entertainment beat and somebody "seasoned" for the crime beat. Not that they wanted somebody old but someone experienced, which I was not, and I guess he thought I was clearly not cut out for the crime beat.
It was common knowledge that newspaperes preferred to hire people right out of journalism school as long as they were young. I believe (I have to keep saying "I believe" so you won't accuse me of stating opinion as fact) they would not want any aging hippie, professional student-types such as myself. It didn't matter that I was submitting regular features for them and even reported there a whole week, designed the "Faces and Places" page, wrote the front page feature story and did the obituaries--well, maybe they just thought I was a lousy reporter, and maybe I was, but I think that I was OK to submit some articles but they didn't want to hire somebody my age.
Or maybe it was my degrees and experience. That's what people always say. If you have degrees and experience, they always say, you want more money, and they don't want to give you more money. They can get some kid to do it cheaper. That could be it too, of course. But I'm tired of all the explanations. They don't satisfy at all. Instead, I think I'll just turn my eyes away from my insane mental machinations and concentrate on, if I can, what God might be trying to tell me.
I was not fired, I was not run off; I was laid off because of lack of funds. So I shouldn't have to feel guilty. God has something for me to do besides feel guilty. In fact, feeling guilty is not part of his plan for me at all. The Bible says there is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. Don't judge me because I don't feel like looking it up. It's in Romans 8. Oh, Romans 8:1, of course. Everybody knowsthat.
If I have prayed and asked God to lead me, and if I am acknowledging God in all my ways like the Bible says in Proverbs 3:5, then I should be able to enjoy my life every day because it is the day that the Lord has made and I should be able to seek Him and take it easy. In fact, I think that's what I'll do. I think I'll find a way to enjoy this time off, instead of running like a chicken with my head cut off all the time like I usually do when I'm out of work or between jobs or laid off or unemployed. Is it job-search-related to be blogging right now? Yes, as a matter of fact it is. I'm following my bliss, and the money will follow. The just shall live by faith. Isn't that right? But faith won't pay the bills. That's true.
I have a plan. I want to substitute and renew my teaching license and get a teaching job and have summers off. I am a creative person. I need time off. Time to write, time to dream, time to sleep. Yes. Don't all creative people do this? Why not me? I don't know any professional creative people who have worked at straight jobs all their life and only done their creating on the weekends. Most of them just did what they did confidently and eventually it worked for them.
I think the Lord is leading this way. But if I'm wrong, at least I have a plan. Meanwhile, I have an appointment to take typing tests in the morning and an interview in the morning for a very low paying job but still, an interview.
Interviews are always good. They give you good practice. When you're unemployed you should always get as many interviews as you can even if you don't want the job. Practice interviewing is not a waste of time. And in this economy you have to be willing to take whatever you can get. Which I am, of course, always, God knows.
Well, I'm going to go to a couple of websites now before I go home and enjoy a cup of tea with my cat and dog.
I can do all these things: I can speak Spanish, I can teach Spanish. I can type very fast. I can talk on the phone. I can teach child development. I can write. I have even started to do something really fun: standup comedy. I can do just about everything I like to do except what I like to do full time: write. I guess I can't do that because I'm not good enough. Plain and simple. So I need to work while I practice being good enough.
Since newspapers are dying (I lost one writing job because of that) and the local newspaper won't interview me for some reason (I don't know but it could be my age or the fact that I have so many degrees) it looks like writing is going to have to be something I do for free. I missed my chance to be a writer maybe. If I'd have followed my dreams about 50 years ago maybe I could have been a writer. Now I just have to have a job and I hope I find one and maybe I can supplement my income if one of the satellite universities around here will let me teach Psych I. I taught that at the college level.
It's like I told this guy at church a couple of weeks ago. I don't have any more plans. I don't have any more schemes. He said, "Now, maybe now it's time for God's." Yeah, maybe so.
I've got to go. I'm feeling guiltier and guiltier. And it's getting way too deep in here. I'll have to think about this for awhile. Next post: about the charred car. It will be short.
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