Why Did You Do it? What Were You Thinking?

Have you by any chance seen the little video of Billy Bob Thornton talking about the death of his brother? It's so genuine and so sad. It is true that you never get over the death of a sibling, especially, for me, anyway, when I think about it, because my much younger sister passed away in 2018 after swallowing a large amount of pills. My sister was a pharmacist. She had to know what she was doing. Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, "Why did you do it? What were you thinking?" Those are all the words that come to mind that I plead with God for an answer and know with assurance that I probably will never know, not in this world anyway. It's particularly painful for me to lose someone wondering if they found peace with God. In her case, it is hard to imagine that she did, or else I don't see how she could have done what she did, but then there is always that hope that somehow before she actually died, Christ met her and gave her one last chance. That's my only hope. It's heartbreaking to be left wondering, as a believer, where your loved ones are spending eternity. And even if you have some assurance of the possibility that they may have found God before they died, it's agonizing to be without them and not know where they are or why they did what they did or what they were thinking. I know there was mental illness involved, but I didn't know it was that bad. I guess you never really know. I don't really want to go into all of that, it's just hard, that's all. Lots of crying can result, which is not a bad thing at all, when you have peace with God. That makes all the difference. I can rest assured that God loved her and I just have to trust him with all that, because he is perfect and perfectly holy and righteous and merciful. I don't really know where she stood with him. I don't have a lot of evidence that she ever turned to him because she suffered so much from anxiety and panic attacks and had had two nervous breakdowns, the second one after she and her husband had moved to Florida. They weren't going to tell the family. I don't know why. I just know how heartbreaking it was to get that phone call from her husband with the report that she had passed away. It was too much to take in. I still can't believe she's gone, after all these years, but of course she is gone, and it is still a horrible thing, but there is only one way to deal with it, just the same way to deal with everything. God really is so good. And salvation is so wonderful. The presence of the Holy Spirit in this dark world, being loved by God and knowing Jesus Christ personally is the answer for everything. Being able to turn things over to him, casting our cares on him for he cares for us, is such a bright promise. "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7). What the "therefore" is "there for" is, because "God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble" (verse 5), so what that tells me is simply this: God has taken care of it, whatever it is, because he is God and I'm not, and submitting to God and to others is what he asks of us. I guess that is a problem for most of the world, unfortunately. Well, it goes on to say, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen" (1 Peter 5:8-11). And with that, I am about to close. Just one more thing: This is so good, I just have to include it all... "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah Come, behold the works of the Lord, Who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah" (Psalm 46:1-11). I find this psalm to be so perfect for moments like this. When there is trouble, when there is doubt, when there are unanswered questions, his word is always there to speak life to our dying soul. My prayer for any who may read this is that you will consider the claims of Jesus Christ and I pray you will come to faith in him if you haven't already, and if you have, that you will renew your faith and trust in him, and draw near to him as he will draw near to you (James 4:8), and let his spirit surround you and comfort and keep you in his peace and love, all your days and nights. In Christ's love, goodnight, brothers and sisters.