Between Dreams

When I lived in the first house I remember, I dreamed of a special room in the attic where all the furniture was child-size. I can still almost see it. We moved from that house when I was between second and third grade, so I had to only be about 7 or 8. Anyway, the thought of that room in the attic comforted me for many years whenever I thought about it. In fact, it does the same thing to this day. The next dream I remember I did not believe was a dream at the time. A little purple horse was dancing on my bed. My brother and I still had bunk beds, if I remember correctly, because it seems like the horse was dancing on the bottom bunk. I had to have been the same age as the room in the attic dream, 7 or 8. I remember most vividly the fact that at the time the little purple horse was so real you could not have told me it was not, and, you know, maybe it was real. So, what is the significance of a dream about a little room in the attic and a little purple horse dancing on my bed? I can only say that they have both been a source of comfort for me. Maybe it's because they have stayed with me my entire life, and anything that has done that deserves a special place in my heart. People talk about dreams all the time in a different sense, not as a mental imagination that happens at night, but as something one hopes to see happen in their life, a goal, a possible outcome, something to work toward. I don't hear a lot about how these dreams come to fruition, but I hear almost daily things like, "Dream big," and "Follow your dreams." Of those kind of dreams, I am not sure I had a lot of them. I did always want to be a writer, which I am, but not in the way I had imagined it. I understand I wrote stories as a very young child, and I remember writing them in grade school, in junior high, even. But then I didn't write any until I was teaching child development at a college in Kentucky where I took a creative writing class and wrote a story a week for six weeks. After that, once again, the story muse flew away. The first dream I had for my future was to marry my boyfriend and be a beautician. But that dream dissolved during my first trip to Mexico in high school, between my junior and senior year in high school, when I developed a crush on a Mexican boy and came home and broke up with my boyfriend. After that, I think I stopped dreaming and just went to college, which I took seriously, and it was a fulltime job. I really don't want to sketch out that whole thing again, about getting my degree in secondary education and teaching one year in Kansas City, and about how, after that, everything started to get real blurry. Sometimes I wonder if I am simply "between dreams," you know, how people who are unemployed say they are "between jobs." A lot happened after that first year of teaching Spanish at a high school, Spanish and English, actually, even though I wasn't certified to teach English, but, rather, Spanish and French. Now, instead of dreams, like before, it's more kind of like looking back and saying, "I wish I had done (this or that) instead of (what I did)." I wish I had stayed where I was and figured it out, because I would be retired by now, although, the reality is, I would probably have been doing some substituting like all the retired schoolteachers I know where I work as a literacy tutor. After a lot of years, I did finally get off the crazy train, and now I'm just figuring out how to stay strong while growing old and preparing for eternity, as they say. I love Erik Erikson's stages of life. After age 65, Erikson’s final stage of development is called Integrity versus Despair, where people reflect on their life and either feel satisfied and wise (integrity) or regret and bitterness (despair). What I remember from my studies is more about how at this stage one gives back to others what one has learned along the way. So, all I want to add at this moment is that we all have much to give at any stage of our life, and we don't have to have all the answers. Also, we all need to find our way and make decisions that will last a lifetime and even eternity, and if we are still here, we are on that journey, and that is our assignment, helping others along the way as we can. Yes, I am a believer in Christianity as you know, and I am glad because that has become my foundation. I look around and see a lot of people struggling with everything life throws their way, and others not seeming to be struggling but having a terrible effect on others. I believe you know what I mean. So, that's all I have for now. It's been good to meet with you.