From Independence to Dependence on God

This is the testimony I wrote in a "Nothing Book" in 1989. I had been saved 10 years.

Chapter 1- Genesis- First Born

There are two things I could never do. One of them is sit still, and the other one is wait. And I would never let anyone do anything for me that I could do for myself. I could never understand people who asked somebody else to zip them up in the back, because I could always do it myself. There's a picture of me as a child with both my elbows stuck up over my head and a look of concentration on my face.

This is not to say there aren't many things I cannot do. For example, I have never changed a tire. By the grace of God, I have always pulled into a gas station just in time, or I was able to get my Dad to do it. But mostly, I have always been what you would probably call very independent.
Chapter 2- Exodus- Leaving Egypt- Out of Independence

Long ago, I heard Pastor Romaine of Calvary Chapel say, "When you get in front of the people of God, you'd better have something to say." I agree with that. The center of attention in a worship service should always be Jesus and never the personalities of people or their various gifts or talents. The gifts and talents are merely tools used by the man or woman of God to bring attention to the worship of the God of the universe.

In the opening of this book I spoke of independence. In this section, I want to say that a man or woman of God can expect to be changed drastically from this stance, because the dealings of the Holy Spirit will make you dependent-- on God. And He will make you a true worshipper of the Father, because if you're not, no one will be brought there by your ministry. And this is the Father's goal.

You will come out of this position in the same way the children of Israel came out of bondage with Moses. Because bondage to self is the worst kind of bondage there is.

Chapter 3 - Leviticus- Cleansing

People will (maybe) help you if you can help yourself. But God can help you when you can't help yourself. I never cared what kind of a person I was before I knew the Lord. Sometimes I hear testimonies of people who say something like, "What a rotten person I was before I got saved. I did this, I did that, I hated everybody." Me, I thought I was OK. Everybody else was off, especially my mother.

"Everybody can't be out of step but you," she used to say. But I never listened to her. My thinking was, "What does she know? All she tells me is what her shrinks tell her." So, you can see, I was very resentful, bitter, angry and selfish. But proud. I was ignorant of that fact.

The Bible says that in the last days, "men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy...traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God." II Timothy 3:1-4. But, as the song says, "He overlooked my faults and saw my need." And until I saw my need, he could not save me. I would never have seen my faults. I was too blind. II Corinthians 4:4 describes this as the work of Satan, the god of this world.

So I pray for the lost loved ones. "Lord, remove the blinders from their eyes, let them see their sin, or bring them to a place where they can see their need." I also ask him, "Remove the chains of darkness from my eyes, and let me see my own sin. Let me see what I truly am without You living on the inside. Hebrews 4:6 says we are Christ's house, "if we hold fast the confidence and rejoicing of the hope firm unto the end."

I want to be a clean house, a sturdy house, with clean windows to see out and in.

(to be continued)