Hope For Broken People

Hope For  Broken People

Today I am living in the precise geographical location where the Tornado of 1966 first touched down, sometimes measuring three blocks wide at the base, bringing destruction such as I have not seen, except perhaps in photographs of the ravages of Hurricane Katrina. But it's all built up now. Only those who were there would remember when it looked like toothpicks standing up in the midst of rubble for as far as you could see.

A tornado came into my life when I was in the fourth grade. My parents got a divorce. I know it's pretty common today; when I was young it was very uncommon. But I don't think it hurts any less today than it did then. And it could be something else happened to you that changed everything in your life. Losing a parent or a grandparent or a brother or a sister. Or somebody close to you went to jail or drinks too much or – you name it.

I have friends who are young and friends who are old, and practically all of them have had something happen to them about which they can say, “Things were one way before this happened; now they're different.” And today there are many more hurting children than a few decades ago.

Even though our dad lived nearby and we had three regular visits a week, our parents' divorce never really went away. But it would just be another sad story if not for someone who was there, someone who saw, someone who cared, someone who was listening, someone who “got it.” That someone was Jesus Christ. He built my life back up much like the city of Topeka rebuilt where I live after the 1966 tornado.

I was a judge's daughter, and I did not have a care in the world until I heard my mother say, “I'm going to file for divorce on Monday.” My childhood effectively ended when my Daddy moved out, and I dealt with the hurt by becoming angry. I would forever after have to deal with all kinds of emotions with few resources with which to deal with them. I was nine; my brother, David, was six.

After many years the hurt remained though I tried to avoid it in all the ways people attempt to avoid hurt. Then in 1979 in a motel room in California suddenly there was a moment in which I  found myself realizing I was in sin, knowing how I was living was wrong and that I did not want to live that way anymore. A few days later I repented and gave my life to Jesus Christ. I thought that would be the end of my hurt but there was still more work to do. I had to face down the pain and let God heal me.

I have often wondered why God  doesn't just take all the pain away for good when we come to Jesus. Surely he could if he wanted to. But Jesus seems to want to use us to minister to others out of our pain – and out of the joy he brings in the midst of it.

Looking back, I can see many ways God softened the blow, even before I came to know him. I can also see how I shut down my emotions because they were too powerful to deal with. After God saved me, I tried concentrating on his call on my life. Maybe I focused too much on doing and not enough on being. But God kept meeting me where I was. And I was in a lot of places -- in California, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri and my home state of Kansas.

 Some people think if someone's life dramatically changes, they must have decided to give something up, like drugs or alcohol, and get their life on track. But nobody I know was disapproving the things I was doing! I was doing fun stuff! Playing music and traveling around. And what everybody does in private behind closed doors is nobody's business, right? If I had died then people would have said, “She died doing what she loved.” But they didn't know about the hurt inside and how hard I was running.

I remember singing “I love you” to God when I was five (ironically, around the time my father was said to have been seeing the woman who years later became my stepmother) but I did not know God until I was 33 (unless children automatically know God in a way adults never do and somehow get pulled away).

My life changed in ways that were visible and invisible. I used to sing in bars; now I sing in church. I used to sing and write to release pain and just for personal pleasure. Now I sing and write to worship God, express his love and try to reach as many people as possible with his message, the gospel. The biggest changes happened inside and continue to happen.

I used to think “religious people” just didn't want anybody to have any fun. Now I know that sin may be fun for awhile, but it bites us in the end. Today people don't even like to use the word “sin.” They call it other things if they think it's a bad sin – the person is just a bad person if they do “bad” sins (like murder or rape, for example).

But if it's an “acceptable” sin like pride, selfishness, anger or overwork, materialism, wanting to be admired, craving (anything) or lust or just living as though God didn't matter, then they just leave God out of their lives and run things themselves. But all sin hurts us and God wants to help us. God loved us so much that he gave us his best – his only Son, who lived and died and rose again for us. Sent us his Spirit, saves us from self-destruction and eternal damnation, offers eternal life. What else is a cause worth living and dying for?

I wasn't expecting to turn around 180 degrees. Religion was not in my viewfinder.

 When I was confirmed in the Episcopal church, I memorized both the Apostle’s creed and the Nicene Creed. But believing in my head made no difference in my life. How could anyone even know for sure if there really was a God? Or if there was, how to find him. No one ever told me you could know God!

I did what everyone else was doing. I made poor choices. I did whatever took away the pain for awhile. With my words I expressed my anger, bitterness, cynicism, depression, and hurt. I didn't know why I was so unhappy, so I went to counselors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I got diagnoses and medicine but nothing really helped until I met Jesus.

I didn't know I was looking for forgiveness, for fulfillment, for a changed life, for God's peace. After Jesus found me, I quit playing music in bars and most of the other things I was doing before. I started working “straight” jobs (that is, not playing music). This would have been unacceptable to the person I was then. But God gave me what I was looking for and I am not that person anymore. I have been changed. I didn't change myself. It's funny because I didn't think of my life as sinful; I was just really hurting. Again, God met me where I was. And he still does that. And he will meet you right where you are too.

We can be forgiven of our sins, past, present and future.  The main difference in me is not mainly what I do and don't do, even though that is radically different. Even lifestyle change some may attribute to “turning over a new leaf” or even “settling down” or getting older.

The main difference is what I have on the inside –  hope, like an anchor, holding me steady and secure. Coming out of chaos, perhaps that's what I needed most of all. God gave me peace of mind and hope for the future. Knowing God is pleased with me and experiencing his presence keeps me going. I sleep well. I take no medicine. Every day I am becoming more of what I was born to be become.  Being right with God, breathing clean, fresh air, feeling his love. There's nothing better.

I know some people in my family just think I went overboard with religion and  they can't figure out why I don't want to pursue the things I pursued in the past, why I'm not the old Carolyn. They probably think I just gave up on life. What a waste. That's what  some said about Mary of Bethany when she poured the perfumed oil on Jesus (Matthew 26:8; Mark 14:4 ). But now I know what my purpose is, why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing.

When I was living in Nashville in 1978, I asked God to show me what my purpose was. It was really crazy to me. Everything had a purpose. Mountains, for example. They didn't really do anything, but they had a purpose. In my understanding anyway, they were beautiful. That was their purpose. Well, if inanimate objects had a purpose, surely I must have one.

Something dropped into my mind a few days after I asked this question. It was that my purpose was to “glorify God.” It came into my mind like a thought, but more than a thought. I didn't exactly know what it meant, but when I heard those words I knew that I needed to find out.

Sometimes I'll hear a word in my head I don't understand. If I look it up in the dictionary there will usually be a message for me, like when I was in a bad relationship and the word “extricate” popped into my mind.

To be honest, I really had no idea what it might mean to glorify God. Maybe it had something to do with “letting my light so shine before men that they may see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). I just knew I wanted to do it.

But I do know one – or maybe two – things. One thing I know is that everybody wants to be loved unconditionally. The other thing I know for sure is that many people wish they could escape the grinding reality of their lives. As my brother David Cogswell said in his book Existentialism for Beginners, “Ultimately, reality eventually breaks into our thoughts (p.16).”

Somewhere between reality breaking into our thoughts and seeking the unconditional love we  so desperately desire, we attempt to escape our mundane existence from day to day, week after week, month after month and year after year, plodding toward our goals as we are able. Sometimes in the process we run across something that offers hope for our journey.

I didn't know it then, but I was looking for my “sweet spot” – that place that is right where God meant for me to be.  Eric Liddel's character  in the movie, “Chariots of Fire,” said that's how he felt when he ran. Maybe not perfect, but my true north, where I belong, and with the people I belong with.

I hope that this book will help you find that place, because it is a true story of redemption. I found the unconditional love I was looking for and the the answers for the pain and suffering in this life. Jesus said that in this world we would have tribulation but to be of good cheer; he had overcome the world (John 16:33 ).

I found Jesus, the Messiah, the One who came to take away the sin of the world. His death on a cross made atonement for our sins; then he rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. Without him we are doomed along with this fallen planet. But whoever believes in him both died with him and will live with him forever. Like he said to the thief on the cross:

“Today you will be with me in paradise.” That's where I want to be.

Along with my story, I have provided some practical steps to letting go of shattered dreams and finding your “sweet spot” – before it's too late.

I just got a picture of a golf tee along with that thought. There's a golf ball on it with somebody getting ready to whack that golf ball. Funny, because I absolutely do not play golf. I have played miniature golf a few times, but not golf golf. Anyway, out of the blue comes somebody to hit that ball. I'm thinking that person must be God and that golf ball must be my parents – or you – or me. And the ball goes flying. But the person hitting the ball has a purpose, he has a plan. He will stay with us for the rest of the course and as long as we don’t give control of the golf club to another, unauthorized entity, we should arrive safely at our destination. Another entity might be our own self-centered desires, those of others, or ultimately, the forces of hell. We have the power to choose to whom we give permission to drive the ball.

Our fathers help form our opinion of God. Before my parents' divorce I had a father and a mother and a brother living with me, Daddy's “little family.” The divorce brought the loss of my father. Not the complete loss, but the loss of his constant presence, a gap, a missing, a longing, an insecurity, a hunger that I tried to fill all my life.

After our parents' divorce, and our dad moved out of our home, childhood as we knew it came to an end. In its place came emotional pain and a desperate search for meaning and purpose. That is not entirely a bad thing, but forever this would be the before and after of our lives.

I have considered different ways this may have affected my perception of God. Perhaps subconsciously I may have felt that God was only with me sometimes and that I had to wait until it was my day to see him.  But the truth is that God has remained and remains. I may struggle with that reality because of the divorce and other problems that developed, but the truth is, he has never left me and I have never been alone since I invited him into my life.

I am still on the journey of coming to terms with my relationship with my dad and how that may be affecting me now. Perhaps you have experienced some deep hurt in your childhood and long to make peace with your past. I hope you will be encouraged and find hope in my true story of redemption.

Music has always been an important part of my life. I once believed it was my life. But I was wrong. Music is simply another one of God's wonderful. gifts to us that may be  used for his purposes or  for our own purposes. A few years after I became a follower of Jesus Christ, I wrote the song, “Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Song.”

God has used this song to encouraged me and my small group of believers that meets on Sunday nights for praise and worship in song, Bible study, food and fellowship, and has become our “theme song” in a way.  It has also become the theme of my life. Life can be so hard you feel like you can't go on but Jesus offers a way to face life's challenges like no one or nothing else can do.

I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me on this planet. There are many things I had hoped to accomplish while here. Some things I have accomplished; most things I have not.  But the most important decision I ever made was to believe the gospel and allow God to transform my life, and the story of how he redeemed my life is all I have to leave here when I die.

We all fall short in many ways but when we die we will all meet our Maker and give an account of our lives. Only one person ever lived a perfect life, God's only Son, Jesus Christ. He did not ask anyone else ever to live a perfect life, but only to accept the gift of salvation he offers because he suffered the punishment we deserved. He has not left us alone to figure everything out on our own.

(Preface to my memoir named Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Song soon to be released.)