Open Letter to Someone Experiencing the Pain of Divorce
I titled my last post "Divorce Leaves No Survivors." I suppose I could have lightened it up and said, "Divorce Leaves No One Unaffected," or something like that. But I left it the way I left it. I want to comment that, yes, many people "survive" divorce, and I may change the title, just because I don't want people to get the idea that they can not survive anything. With God all things are possible.
I got an email from a reader, my reply to which I have revised slightly to share in my blog today. Hopefully it will minister to somebody:
"You did not say whether the divorce is your own or your parents.' In either case, I grieve with you. The divorce that happened 50 years ago in my life, was my parents' divorce. The turning point in my healing (still ongoing) was my decision to "forgive my parents for ruining my life." Officially, I did this a couple of years ago. Some people may argue that that is an extreme point of view or that I should not generalize this experience by saying that divorce "ruins" every child of divorce's or every divorcee's life. People do experience things differently. But what's important to an individual is how they (individually) are experiencing it. You and I are responsible for dealing with our own grief, and that can be a very lonely experience.
Simply acknowledging that divorce hurts is the best place to start and think that's where the healing begins. So I want to affirm you for acknowledging the pain and identifying its connection with the divorce. If it was your own divorce or your parents' divorce, there are issues of betrayal, disappointment and rejection to recover from. If it was your parents' divorce, it's important to realize their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with you. I still remind myself, "It was not my fault."
People don't get married planning to divorce. Children don't ask for their families to break up even if they are not happy because their parents are fighting. Divorce hurts because it goes against everything inside us that cries out for connection, unconditional love that lasts forever, for unity, for the preservation of the ties that were promised in marriage.
The only way out of the grief is to go through it. It is a process. You may have to battle your thoughts and experience much sadness but that is all part of the healing. What has helped me the most is having come to a place in my life where I opened myself up to a God that I did not yet know and say to Him, "If you're there, show me what my purpose is," and He began to make Himself known to me. I don't know how I would have made it this far if I had not done that.
C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Great Divorce. I haven't read it but I know the author was a Christian. And I do know that our separation from God is like a divorce in a way. When Jesus died for the sins of all mankind He did it so that we could all be with God forever where there would be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt. But as long as we are in this world, Jesus said, we would have "tribulation."
I believe God reaches out in a special way to children of divorce because in a way they are "fatherless," and the Bible says God is a father to the fatherless. I had a good relationship with my father but still it is true he did not live with me for many years as a child and I missed out on a lot because of it. Still we have to deal with what life hands us, knowing that God did not allow it to hurt us but to make us stronger so we can help others, who may be hurting even worse than we are.
So, in a way, as we grow through the pain of divorce, we have to realize it's not all about us, it's about others and it's about God, because ultimately He is the one with whom we have to deal. I just want to encourage you to let this pain draw you to God and to forgiveness. Then it will be able to be said of you, "She was forgiven much; therefore she loves much." It does take a lot of grace to forgive and we have to practice it every day, inwardly, to people who may even be dead, as well as outwardly, toward those who offend us all day long.
Jesus said we have to forgive so he can forgive us. So as you deal with all these feelings, forgive and be forgiven much so you can love much. God bless you.
P.S. There is also a pretty good book out called Generation EX by Jen Abbas written by a child of divorce for children of divorce. It it was your own divorce I can't recommend one in particular. There are tons, but another good one is The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein. That helped me too.
Feel free to write me back.
Carolyn
'Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.' (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, New King James Version)"
I got an email from a reader, my reply to which I have revised slightly to share in my blog today. Hopefully it will minister to somebody:
"You did not say whether the divorce is your own or your parents.' In either case, I grieve with you. The divorce that happened 50 years ago in my life, was my parents' divorce. The turning point in my healing (still ongoing) was my decision to "forgive my parents for ruining my life." Officially, I did this a couple of years ago. Some people may argue that that is an extreme point of view or that I should not generalize this experience by saying that divorce "ruins" every child of divorce's or every divorcee's life. People do experience things differently. But what's important to an individual is how they (individually) are experiencing it. You and I are responsible for dealing with our own grief, and that can be a very lonely experience.
Simply acknowledging that divorce hurts is the best place to start and think that's where the healing begins. So I want to affirm you for acknowledging the pain and identifying its connection with the divorce. If it was your own divorce or your parents' divorce, there are issues of betrayal, disappointment and rejection to recover from. If it was your parents' divorce, it's important to realize their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with you. I still remind myself, "It was not my fault."
People don't get married planning to divorce. Children don't ask for their families to break up even if they are not happy because their parents are fighting. Divorce hurts because it goes against everything inside us that cries out for connection, unconditional love that lasts forever, for unity, for the preservation of the ties that were promised in marriage.
The only way out of the grief is to go through it. It is a process. You may have to battle your thoughts and experience much sadness but that is all part of the healing. What has helped me the most is having come to a place in my life where I opened myself up to a God that I did not yet know and say to Him, "If you're there, show me what my purpose is," and He began to make Himself known to me. I don't know how I would have made it this far if I had not done that.
C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Great Divorce. I haven't read it but I know the author was a Christian. And I do know that our separation from God is like a divorce in a way. When Jesus died for the sins of all mankind He did it so that we could all be with God forever where there would be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt. But as long as we are in this world, Jesus said, we would have "tribulation."
I believe God reaches out in a special way to children of divorce because in a way they are "fatherless," and the Bible says God is a father to the fatherless. I had a good relationship with my father but still it is true he did not live with me for many years as a child and I missed out on a lot because of it. Still we have to deal with what life hands us, knowing that God did not allow it to hurt us but to make us stronger so we can help others, who may be hurting even worse than we are.
So, in a way, as we grow through the pain of divorce, we have to realize it's not all about us, it's about others and it's about God, because ultimately He is the one with whom we have to deal. I just want to encourage you to let this pain draw you to God and to forgiveness. Then it will be able to be said of you, "She was forgiven much; therefore she loves much." It does take a lot of grace to forgive and we have to practice it every day, inwardly, to people who may even be dead, as well as outwardly, toward those who offend us all day long.
Jesus said we have to forgive so he can forgive us. So as you deal with all these feelings, forgive and be forgiven much so you can love much. God bless you.
P.S. There is also a pretty good book out called Generation EX by Jen Abbas written by a child of divorce for children of divorce. It it was your own divorce I can't recommend one in particular. There are tons, but another good one is The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein. That helped me too.
Feel free to write me back.
Carolyn
'Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.' (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, New King James Version)"
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